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Saturday, September 25, 2004

Jane’s Encounters of the Braves Kind #1: Mark DeRosa

I know the following story might not seem believable, but my third cousin from Atlanta (Jane) has persuaded me to post this story (and soon to be more, maybe) on my blog because she says they really happened to her or something. She is 34 years old, is still stuck in the 80’s, and has a “Valley Girl” speech impediment that I want to apologize for in advance. They’re funny stories, so I’ve decided to post the DeRo story first.

I (Jane) was at like, my favorite support group, one Thursday night because I like, have a sincere fear of Elvis. It’s totally a great group of people. My friends David, Ella, Mary, and Alvin especially helped me get through that horrible voicemail of “Heartbreak Hotel” I got from a prankster. David is a doctor totally frightened of malpractice lawsuits, Ella is trying to get over her ex-husband who left her for a Shania Twain karaoke singer, Mary is trying to get over her urges during church services to run up and down the center aisle screaming curse words, and Alvin is sooo totally obsessed with chipmunks.

Anyways, this was a special Thursday night because we like, had a local celebrity (and really dreamy guy) in our midst. He was Mark DeRosa, Atlanta Braves utilityman wearing his tight uniform, which enhanced every inch of this taut, defined muscles that were shining with sweat when he ripped his shirt open and oh my God! I like, totally almost let you into my Mark DeRosa fantasy! I feel totally retarded! Well, we were wondering why in the name of Culture Club would this perfect man with a beautiful wife and millions of dollars come to our support group (even though it totally was the best).

We like, came in and sat down, and since he was new, he had to like introduce himself (which there was no need for, as he was like, wearing that tight uni with his name on the back of it) and state his problem. His problem (in his words):

“I’m so damn tired of Chipper the jerk! He hogs all of the Braves’ attention and he stole my spot at third base! Why him? Just because I was in a 3 for 55 slump doesn’t mean he should get to come in and take over because he’s hotter than me! I know! I know exactly what’s going on! It’s a Hooters conspiracy!”

Gag me with a spoon!!! My face totally matched my neon red Day-Glo shirt I was so embarrassed for him! I like, blushed soooooo much!!! Then he like, totally started crying and ran away! We like, still reserve that seat to this day just for him and his totally tight ass though. Oh my God! I am soooooo sorry! I totally was fantasizing again!!! I guess you should like, consider yourselves lucky, because I like, totally could have let you into my Sting and George Michael fantasy.

And there it is. I don’t know if I will post anymore of them though…they’re pretty wack. Maybe by special request from you three that read this (or is there three?). By the way, this is fan fiction, not fact for you gullible people out there. If you would like your baseball fan fic posted on The Chop Shop, send to Emilee with some subject relating to “fanfic” at JaneBond34@hotmail.com.

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Friday, September 17, 2004

New Blog

I really want to put my Photoshop to use on my blog, I just can't figure out to post Photoshop-edited pictures on Blogger. I could use some help. Email me at janebond34@hotmail.com if you wanna help me out or just leave a comment, cause I really want to start doing good things for this blog and improving it.

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Tuesday, September 07, 2004

All Apologies

Sorry for the long hiatus! Pretty soon I'll be eating every blog's face with many many Hotness Evaluations. Anyways, ALL I have been doing is playing softball (fastpitch) for my high school. Our coach makes us practice every single day, but due to Hurricane Frances showing North Georgia a little love, our game got rained out so I got a little break. Our team is not that great; we just started fastpitch three years ago, so our pitching is really far behind. We used to kill everybody at slowpitch though. We made Sweet Sixteen (at least) like every year. I play out field. I'm known for my defense more than my offense though, let's just say that. I'm the Torii Hunter of my team when it comes to outfield defense. I can get my hits, but I bunt a lot too, cause I'm pretty fast. If I sound like I'm bragging, I'm not, I'm just pretty confident in my abilites.

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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

SCHOOL

Well, it's that time of year. I hate Pre-Calculus already, ugh. Well, only two years left for this high school junior. I'll try to update as much as possible, though.

GO COKE FIENDS!!!!!!!!

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Monday, August 02, 2004

Los Angeles Dodgers Hotness Evaluation

Let's see if that trade made them hotter.

Dodgers Starting Pitching

Brad Penny-0/10

Jeff Weaver-0/10
Ewww. Ugly hair.

Kaz Ishii-0/10

Odalis Perez-0/10
I wish he was still a Brave, though.

Jose Lima-0/10

Dodgers Bullpen

Wilson Alvarez-0/10
Good God...

Yhency Brazoban- guess! 0/10

Giovanni Carrara- 0/10

Eric Gagne- 0/10
Man, he's a great closer. But he needs to lose the glasses, facial hair, and some weight.

Darren Dreifort-1.5/10
Kinda pale.

Duaner Sanchez-1/10
Could've been a 2 if not for the Gagne-like goggles.

Dodgers Catchers

Brent Mayne-0/10
Ugh. Not him again (D'backs Evaluation).

David Ross-2/10
A kinda cute face.

Dodgers Infielders

Adrian Beltre-1/10

Hee Seop Choi- 1/10

Alex Cora-1.5/10

Jose Hernandez-0/10

Cesar Izturis-0/10

Olmedo Saenz-0/10

Robin Ventura-2.5/10

Dodgers Outfielders

Milton Bradley-3/10
Could be higher if he wasn't such a baby.

Steve Finley-0/10

Jason Grabowski-0/10

Shawn Green-5/10

Jayson Werth-8/10
Hottie alert!!!

L.A. Dodgers' Average Hotness-1.32

Final Analysis: Those outfielders picked up the slack!


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Jason Marquis

Who does this little moron think he is? We gave you three years to succeed and you didn't even do that somewhat! You wouldn't be anything without Leo and the Braves, crapface!

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Thursday, July 22, 2004

manny ramirez's defense = pure, unadulterated comedy. Posted by Hello

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Tired of Chipper's Crap
 
I am EXASPERATED with Larry Jr. Yeah, I know you pulled your hammy, but there is no excuse if you can't hit two months after it happened. I am getting so tired of him (and I know I'm going to get hell for this) that I think he should be sent to AAA Richmond to learn how to hit again. Nick "Bronco" Green or Gilly should play third until he gets his "confidence" back or whatever excuse Chuck Dowdle from Channel 2 said. I was about to lash out at Andruw, but his defense is just too good, he's starting to hit the ball the other way more (6 game hitting streak), and he is still on pace to hit 30 home runs and 100 RBI, which is fine by me even with a .258 BA as long as you're getting on base a lot and scoring runs. I had confidence Chipper was breaking out, but now he's went 0-for-11 in the last three games. I really think we might be wasting our time waiting on him when we know Bronco can hit .280 and play relatively good D. Chipper could be a contributing factor if we don't win division.
 
I guess all of that Hooters girl crap is catching up to him.....

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Saturday, July 17, 2004

Them Battlin' Braves
 
Ahhhhhh, we should have won that game last night; but anyways, we really have battled back to show people what we're all about. And we're all about winning the NL East (candi, sorry for the awful title and starting a sentence with "and" in this post; I'm lazy today).

I honestly thought we could win division at the beginning of the year. I didn't just now jump on the bandwagon. There's only one thing that concerns me.

If you look at where all of the Braves' division flags are at Turner Field, well...there's not room for another one, plus it's number thirteen anyways. I do believe in curses and superstitions, too. How could you not by watching the Red Sox and Cubs for the past century or so?

I really do feel for the Cubs. I think if they're ever even going to make it back to the World Series, it's going to be unexpected, just like their making it to the NLCS last year. Now Mark Prior is hurt again, and the unlikely Cardinals have ran away with the division. Heck, with the Cubs' luck, the Astros will have a surge and win Wild Card.


 


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